The NBA All-Hunk team was released Thursday, and I have to say, it was reassuring to discover that I have no idea what qualifies as attractive for men. It’s nothing against who’s hot or not. I’m just saying my needle isn’t moved one way or the other.
Be that as it may, the mix of aesthetics and practicality was stunning in the Slate ranking. It’s as if the selection committee was trying to put together a balanced championship team with a great defense and a defined (abs) attack as opposed to just pure sexual desire.
Here are the first, second, and third-team All-Hunk rankings.
G Ochai Agbaji
G Raul Neto
F Jimmy Butler
F Giannis Antetokounmpo
C Nic Claxton
G Jalen Green
G Devin Booker
F Yuta Watanabe
F Kelly Oubre Jr.
C Steven Adams
G Gabe Vincent
G Jordan Clarkson (tie)
G Jrue Holiday (tie)
F Rui Hachimura
F Jerami Grant
C Jalen Duren
But can they win a title?
My biggest question is can this team — at least the first 10 — win a title? And my answer is, absolutely, yes.
I don’t know who selected the All-Hunk squad, but I am enamored with their knack for mixing all-star talent with serviceable role players. Giannis, Butler, and Booker are a big three that would suffocate the opposition with defense and half-court efficiency. Neto and Agbaji getting the nod lend to a natural hierarchy, Green is a stupid seventh man, Claxton is great defensively, Wantabe is shooting 48 percent from three, and there’s only one weak link in the rotation, which is (predictably) Oubre.
It’s alarming that whoever selected the All-Hunk squad picked a group of talent equivalent to or greater than (would need a judge’s ruling here) Ocean’s 11. That’s a better collection of high-end beauty and glue guys than Sam Presti and Steven Soderbergh could have ever dreamed of.
If you would’ve given a handful of bros the responsibility of piecing together a hoops Oceans 8, they would’ve stopped at the Cavinder twins, Lola Bunny, Pam Anderson, and Paige Spiranac.
Pistol Pete pipedream
Detroit Mercy guard Antoine Davis came 3 points away from tying Pistol Pete Maravich’s mark for the all-time career scorer record, and it’s fitting because Davis needed 60 more games and the pandemic to come anywhere close to that mark.
(Davis could still break the record if the Titans get a postseason opportunity, but at 14-19, they’ll need some luck even to make the College Basketball Invitational.)
White, American men don’t hold many records for athletic achievements Tom Brady’s career be damned. Maravich was a god among basketball players who dazzled anybody who saw him pick up a basketball.
That group doesn’t include myself, but as a child of And 1 Mixtapes and NBA Street Vol. 2 Maravich is a personal idol. Sure, he might be overrated in the grand scheme yet Pistol Pete is an inspiration for those of us who always aspired to have the ball on a string while simultaneously being three steps ahead and a symbol in and of himself.